The Girl of Fire and Thorns, hopefully I'll get through one update a day with a total of 5-6 updates (depending on if I have a separate conclusion). You can follow what will be pretty much page by page updates at my Goodreads account or you can read the ones I deem worthy here, along with what I feel should be called "exclusive content (except for the fact that I'll be copying this to Goodreads when it's done), only to be found here at www.threestarslimit.blogspot.com", to bring out my inner advertiser (we all have one, you just don't know about yours yet).
So, let's get started (oh wait- first we need the disclaimer. Please note that while I'm using the titles for the stages that I find on Wikipedia, I am twisting their meanings for the purpose of writing a comedic book review. I mean no offense. Okay, all done.)
Stage One: Denial
What an odd cover. Looks interesting. And Tamora Pierce liked it- how bad can it be?
See? There was even originally a better cover! So what if it supposedly contradicts a major plot point?
*Pause while I read the blurb*
Awesome! This book sounds great.
*Pause while I read the reviews*
It can't be as bad as they say. After all, look at the awesome blurb! I wonder if my library has it...
*Pause while I discover that my library has both the ebook and the regular book. I get the ebook out and download it, and request the book, which is at the library so I should be able to get it by the next day or two.*
It only comes in the format I don't like- whatever, it's worth it for a book that's bound to be so awesome. I'd better put down the book I'm reading and start this right away.
*Join me tomorrow for Stage Two- Anger.*
Okay, time to admit that I'm too busy to do a stage a day. Probably stage two will come tomorrow.
Stage Two: Anger
I can't believe the book is this ridiculous. It revolves around a stone in our protagonist's belly button! And the writing is terrible. And Alejandro is a jerk. I don't even like Lord Hector.
And what's with the in-depth food descriptions? And why does our protagonist have an eating disorder, anyway? Why is no one worried? It's nice to have an overweight protagonist, it really is. But must she also have an eating disorder? That's kind of offensive.
This book is terrible.
Why am I wasting my time on this?
Nonexistant reader, this book is terrible.
*Next up: Bargaining.*
Sorry that was so short. I'm doing this by quarterly increments, and I'm doing it as I read the book, so my predictions aren't always accurate. Thanks for reading!
Stage Three: Bargaining
I'll do anything if the main character stops describing her meals in great detail. If the plot begins to interest me. If her idiotic plans make sense. If she'll stop using religion as an excuse for self-harm (they stab themselves with thorns when asking for advice). If people could have liked her before she lost weight. If someone would explain to me where all this food comes from. And why they're in the desert. After being in the jungle. And if this stupid stone in her navel would stop changing temperature.
Stage Four: Depression
This book. It's so bad. It's sucking the energy out of me. Why is she so skinny now? Why didn't anyone like her before? Why did she need to become athletic and put on a tight black outfit? Seriously, why?
And would she stop falling for guys? Yes, teenage girls are like that, but every time she glances at a guy she thinks she's found true love! Honestly.
What's the point of it all? Why read on if it's going to be this ridiculous?
Okay, it's time to admit I'm being unfair. The book isn't nearly as bad as I'm making it out to be. Then again, it would be very hard to achieve something that bad.
It's a bad book, don't get me wrong. But I had a moment of guilt.
Stage Five: Acceptance
It was really awful (that last scene... it was so ridiculous that I was cracking up). But there are good books in the world. I'll live.
Thank you for reading. What did you think of the book? Let me know in the comments section below!