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There was once an update schedule. It lived a good life, a peaceful life. A quiet life. But then... things began to change. It became more and more erratic, sometimes completely disobeying its very reason for existance. And at last, the update schedule could take no more. It cast off its chains and went free, seeking new lands where it would be appreciated. This message it left where once it had lived, to warn other schedules of the peril.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Review: Reawakened

Reawakened Reawakened by Colleen Houck
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I was going to write a long rant about how inaccurate the Egyptian bits are, but the truth is a lot of other people already have and I don't feel like doing the research, so let me recommend some of the other reviews on this book if you're interested.

As I said to a friend, this book seems to have been written while drunk and reading the Kane Chronicles, after an overdose of the worse parts of Twilight and far too many Magic Tree House books. No one cares, Mrs. Houck. We've seen it before, and they did it better. Also, your poetry sucks (I read it, unlike everyone else. They made the smart decision.)

The book goes like this:
Lilliana is rich. Very rich. Also, she lives in a hotel in Manhattan, but she doesn't think that residence is really home. She's too rich to deal with all the problems that come with being rich. Like getting into all the colleges she applied to and getting to go to whichever one she pleases- too much effort to decide. So she goes to the Met, where she can relax into her natural element of ordering around museum guards who can't say no because her parents are too rich.
After bullying some museum guards (and stalking a few people before reporting them to the museum guards for getting quietly teary about the beauty of the art), Lilliana gets permission to go into a closed off wing. Ignoring the priceless relics around her, she gets down to important business- deciding which college is fanciest and therefore most desirable based on their pamphlets. Unfortunately, there are a few minor distractions and she can't concentrate.
Luckily, it turns out to be a mostly naked hot guy (rather than a squirrel as Lilliana so cleverly assumed; it's a well-known fact that the two species are closely related.) He doesn't speak English, which just makes him hotter. And he's bald, which is a big plus. Lilliana decides immediately that he's a mentally ill homeless person and reacts appropriately by pepper-spraying him and going out to lunch without telling the guards about him.
During lunch, Lilliana is unfortunately interrupted from insulting some perfectly nice girls she's made no attempt to get to know by said bald hot guy getting hit by a car. In an act that could almost be misconstrued as that of a decent human being, she rushes out to help. Luckily, bald hot guy heals himself magically and proceeds to hypnotize and stalk her.
Quite a bit of abuse later, bald hot guy kidnaps her and takes her to Egypt. He then proceeds to stuff pastries down her throat (especially whenever she tries to eat a balanced, healthy meal) when not distracted by legions of attractive women throwing themselves at his feet. Hot guy (he's grown some hair) then goes on a boring quest involving several badly thought out booby traps and a grand vizier (who's not Jafar and so no one cares). He also spends some time adding highlights to Lilliana's hair, and they- well, she- decide(s) that they're in love.
Lots more boring stuff happens. Hot guy has two (bald and then not) hot brothers. They all turn into birds, which apparently have magically strengthened spines because they can carry two passengers without a problem. Moby Worm makes a far-too-long cameo. Anubis is the only person to have any common sense. The ending, however, ruins it.
Everyone reading the book throws it down in disgust and decides they don't even care what just happened.
The end.

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